“My most beloved Jesus, it was not the weight of the cross but the weight of my sins which make You suffer so much”.- this line in the prayer for the 3^rd station composed by St. Alphonsus Liguori hit me each Friday night during this Lent.  Then later during the 6^th station we pray; My most beloved Jesus, your face was beautiful before you began this journey; but , now it no longer appears beautiful and is disfigured with wounds and blood.  Alas, my soul also was once beautiful when it received Your grace in Baptism; but I have since then disfigured it with my sins.

As I ponder these prayers on this Good Friday, I fully understand that my sins of wrong thought were the pain of the crown of thorns.  My sins of anger were the whips that scourged my Lord.  My sins of the flesh caused Jesus to sweat blood in the garden of Gethsemane.  I yielded the hammer that drove the nails into His hands, not the Roman soldier.  I abandoned the Christ along with Peter, James and the rest of the twelve other than John, the Beloved.  I along with Judas betrayed the Lamb of God by my addictions.

The prayer for the 10^th station is one I must repeat on a daily basis, “Help me to strip myself of all attachment for the things of earth that I may place all my love in You who are so worthy of my love.  I love You, O Jesus, with all my heart; I am sorry for ever having offended You.  Never let me offend You again.   Grant that I may love You always and then do with me as You will.  Its that last line, “then do with me as You will” that is the struggle.  Abandonment is one of the 12 steps to Holiness and Salvation.  We are called to give ourselves to God and focus on His will, not ours.  But that is what is so hard.  That means we all must abandon our control issues.  We must swallow our pride and even though we may look like a fool, humble ourselves for our children and be patient with their walk.  We must take time from our jobs and we must even sacrifice our prayer time and church time to give ourselves to our loved ones.  We must have Christ like patience if our spouses, siblings, parents, or children are ill; mentally or physically.  Lukewarm abandonment mocks our Lord.  Jesus gave all of himself.  He fell three times climbing the hill to Calvary because with every ounce of His being He wanted to spread His perfect, loving arms on the cross to embrace us in His love.  We are not called to this level of sacrifice, we are simply called to accept His sacrifice and give up our pride and forget about ourselves and live for our God; to do the will of the Father.  We are called to spread our arms to accept His love and let His Holy Blood wash us clean. 

This is not easy, but neither was the Way of the Cross for Jesus.  Neither was the unimaginable pain suffered by His Mother, who walked step by step with her Son.  As I mentioned the other day, I recently faced this reality in my Dark Night of the Soul.  I saw and felt what my sins did to Jesus and as I prayed the Stations during this Lent, I recalled what a wretch I have been, what a disappointment I have been to my God.  Tomorrow night I will rejoice in my salvation, in my forgiveness; but tonight I must recommit myself to avoiding the near occasion of sin whenever I pray the Our Father. 

We pray…as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be at the end of our prayers.  What does that mean?  It may mean that I am expected to trust God as Abraham and Noah trusted God.  It may mean that I must reject the apple in the garden of Eden of sin out there in this crazy mixed-up world.  It may mean that I must listen to every little detail like Moses did; and do exactly what God is asking of me.  Not justify, not claim weakness, and not make excuses.

I had the honor to direct a retreat which had John 3:16 as its theme.  I must recall God’s love each morning as I start my day.  I must be still and know that God calls me “My love”.  I pray that all of you that read this do the same.  We are not in control, the Holy Spirit is in charge and we must get out of His way.  Some of us need spiritual direction; some of us help from a colleague of Dr. Phil.  We all need to take advantage of the grace of the confessional. 
The closing prayer in the stations goes like this

My good and dear Jesus,

I kneel before you, asking you most earnestly to engrave upon my heart a deep and lively faith, hope and charity, with true repentance for my sins, and a firm resolve to make amends.

As I reflect upon your five wounds, and dwell upon them with deep compassion and grief, I recall, good Jesus, the words the Prophet David spoke long ago concerning yourself: “They pierced My hands and My feet; they have numbered all My bones.”

One last thing - pray for our priests, who give so much of themselves during Holy Week.  Take the time to thank them for their priesthood.
**If the Holy Spirit moves you, scroll down the list on the left side and click on Good Friday to read my thoughts from previous years