Days 105 – 107        6 hours                       299 to go

Be careful what you ask for – For the last three months I have been praying about and writing about what I have been exposed to in this prayer project I was gifted with – I learned about humility, about trusting in God, and obeying His will – I was challenged with a call to mortification and abandonment of self.  I was really into this thing and asked that I experience all that I was reading and praying about – well, I got my wish

Last week I was shown what true humility and mortification were.  I felt totally rejected by my family after a visit to see my ailing father.  My mother only was focused on her husband and did not pay attention to anything I tried to talk to her about – My brother has totally rejected my pleas to spend some time together and then my sister went off to visit Kenny, her last boyfriend who is in federal prison instead of visiting Connecticut.  Then I returned home and received an email from someone I love unconditionally asking me to do something that defines humility; something that saddened me greatly.  Then to top it all off, I found out, four days after it happened, of the death of a 95 year old woman @ the nursing home who I have come to love as another grandmother. – I was as low as I have been in a very, very long time – then, instead of reaching back to the previous three months and getting down on my knees to thank the Lord for these lessons and opportunities to grow, I allowed myself to be swallowed up by my concern for myself – I repeatedly asked, “what about me”, “”why don’t my family love me like I love them”, and “why can’t I be the one who receives a little instead of just giving”

Well, I have now come to understand that I was the one receiving – I was receiving the lessons I asked for – they hurt very much; but that’s what I have been learning about – that this walk with Christ involves heartache and pain – Jesus had lots and lots of heartache and pain and his pain led to His death - and there was Michael, being overwhelmed by his little rejections

Yesterday morning I opened up my breviary and the first psalm of the OOR was Psalm 6 and I prayed to God for mercy  - 2  Do not reprove me in your anger, LORD, nor punish me in your wrath. 3 Have pity on me, LORD, for I am weak; heal me, LORD, for my bones are trembling. 4  In utter terror is my soul-- and you, LORD, how long...? 5  Turn, LORD, save my life; in your mercy rescue me. 6  For who among the dead remembers you? Who praises you in Sheol? I am wearied with sighing; all night long tears drench my bed; my couch is soaked with weeping. 8 My eyes are dimmed with sorrow, worn out because of all my foes. 9 Away from me, all who do evil! The LORD has heard my weeping. 10 The LORD has heard my prayer; the LORD takes up my plea. 11 My foes will be terrified and disgraced; all will fall back in sudden shame

Of course, the Lord was answering my prayer and took up my plea.  I am a sinner who asked for the lessons I learned about in the 12 Steps to Holiness and Salvation.  I got a lesson in spades but that’s what I asked for.

Today I am starting a book titled The Cloud of Unknowing, which is about contemplative love.  Today I will return to my discipline of the Divine Office, rosary, and chaplet.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Today I return home after a short trip to ask Why me? – God gave me the answer last night as I prayed and simply said, “Be Me” –  I don’t think I have to ask Why!!!